Sejak engkau pergi 

Aku tak mampu untuk berfikir tentang hal2 lain,

Seolah2 jantungku berhenti berdegup,

Aku hilang semangat untuk teruskan kehidupan..

Senyum demi dia

Baru abis tengok Super Spontan All Stars 2015. Rindu.. Lepas ni dah tak dapat tgok Pak Yuih main kat gelanggang. Lawak masa pak yuih kiss zizan terbaring teros dia. Haha. Zizan hanya milik Johan. Haha. Sy perhati Jambu dgn Jozan. Time pak yuih abis main, tauke sambot. Time Johan abis main Zizan sambot. Atoto. Yang x ley bla time Zizan kiss Johan. Huhu. Suke tau gitu. Taula sahabat. Jealous I. Sayang korang ketat2. Bye

Your memory

Selagi rantai ini ada selagi tu kenangan ini akan terpaut di hati. Berehatlah wahai abangku. Moga kita berjumpa lagi. Love you. 

Bangun duhai hati

Aku harap semua ini hanyalah mainan mimpi bukan realiti,

Tak pernah sekalipun terlintas difikiranku yang kau akan pergi secepat ini,

Aku belum bersedia lagi,

Sumpah demi Allah aku belum bersedia lagi..

Tuhan, beri aku kekuatan

Sudah sudahlah menangis duhai hati,

Jangan engkau kesali dengan apa yg sudah berlaku,

Aku tahu sukar bagimu untuk melalui 

semua ini,

Kuatkanlah dirimu demi dia,

Sayu hatinya jika dia tahu engkau sedih kerana dia,

Jika engkau begitu merinduinya

Titipkanlah doa kepadanya..

It's hurt me when someone that I love is hurt.. I'll do anything to make him feel better.. Forget those sadness.. But I'm not capable to do anything because I'm not strong enough too. I'm so sorry.. I know how it felt to lose someone that you love. Whenever I look at his pictures, my tears keep falling. 

Dia

Saya rindu dia. 

Saya rindu nak dengar suara dia.

Saya rindu gelak tawa dia.

Semuanya hilang sekelip mata.

Dulu, tiap malam saya kacau dia 

Kadang-kadang mesej sampai pagi

Tak pernah sekali dia kata tak bila saya buat permintaan kepada dia,

Tapi sekrang dia sudah tiada,

Saya rindu dia.. 

Saya terlalu rindukan dia.. 

Maafkan saya kerana belum bersedia,

Saya telah cuba sedaya upaya

Tapi masih gagal.

Sincerely from your 팬

Sometimes I feel like it will be much better if I never knew you,

Sometimes I feel so blessed and grateful that I've got a chance to know you,

I cried a lot because of you, 

I also laughed a lot because of you,

The truth is I truly happy for you now rather than jealous, 

Watching you have a kids, I can't be more proud of you, 

But you're still our 막내 and always be. 

Thanks for making my life colourful. 

Sincerely, from bottom of my heart I love you and always be there for you as a fan who you never know that she's exist. 

p/s : take care of yourself and your fam. 

Having a nightmares

I couldn't sleep. Every single day. I. I just can't. Every time I closed my eyes, those memories came back to me. Haunting me. Dear God, why so hard for me to let her go? I'm trying my best to do that but still can't. Whatever I'm doing, she still stuck in my head. Please let me have a good sleep just once without dream of her. Just one night. Get me out of this zone. I'm begging you. I can't breathe. This is too much for me. 

Our story to be told Part 1

Salam and good evening. 

I don't know if this is okay to write. I know too much. Because of that, I can't stop thinking of it. When I can't stop thinking, it will be hardest for me to get some sleep. So I decide to let it out maybe it will be easier for me after this. 

For the past two weeks, a lot of things happen in my life. The good and the bad things. The nightmare that I never imagine will happen. I really hate losing people. The most scariest things in my life is losing people that I love. I already losing two people and I'm not going to let that happen again. If that really happen, I'm afraid my heart will never recover. 

Nowadays people became a monster. Everything is fine even killing people. What a scariest earth. I rather living in another planet. But you have to remember one thing, what goes around comes around. No matter how long it will takes. You will get what you deserves. You have my words.

Segalanya sakit

Buntu. Saya buntu. Finance vs Economy. Baru semalam bincang. Tup2 arini dapat email dr Uniten dapat course yg paling saya nak avoid, Bachelor in Accounting. Time dapat tu, hanya mampu gelak ja. Setahu saya pilihan yang sy buat, Bach. In Finance, Bach. In Entrepreneurs and Bach. In International Business. See? Takdapon saya minta Bach. in Accounting. Then how??? Saya tanya kawan saya dia cakap sebab pointer. Ewah2. Saya yang bayar, sukeatilah nak ambil course apa. Sukeati ja nak tentukan hidup orang. Ish. Dahla banyak betul halangan nak apply finance ni. Call tak angkat, bila dah angkat salah email, pastu bila dah email tak reply2, email lagi sekali baru reply, pastu tunggu seminggu, then bila dah dapat offer letter dapat yang kita tak nak. Ya Allah, sabar jela. Ni takkan nak call lagi suruh tukar course. Leceh betollah. Tu sebablah saya hanya mampu gelak ja. Gelak bukan apa. Tak kelakar sebenarnye tapi saya nampak cerah. Cerah masa depan saya untuk jadi Governor. Haha. Saya tak tahulah sama ada ini petunjuk atau ape. Last 2 week, saya nekad nak masuk Uniten, tup2 last week masa otw nak g kelantan tetiba ada dapat mesej mengatakan saya dapat interview kat UKM course yang sangat2 saya nak. Masa tupon gelak jugak. Tapi pada masa yang sama speechless. Saya jadi tak tau nak pilih yang mana. That time, I was like oh that must be my fate, my future, I was right.! He did listening to what I'm saying. He really did! Masa tu saya fikir saya masih ada peluang untuk jadi apa yang saya nak. 

It's not the big deal for them but for me it does! Saya ingat lagi time isi Upu, semua U saya pilih course ni. Sampaikan mak saya geleng, dia soh saya ambil banking tapi saya nekad utk ambil course ni. Degil tahap gaban. Bila saya tengok balik apa yang saya pilih, sayapun geleng kepala. "Apa yang kau buat ni natalia? " Housemate saya panggil saya sukiman kecil. Haha. Honestly, sy mmg nak jadi mcm dia. Tadi wani cakap "angau abis nyah ni dgn zeti". Esok saya akan buat keputusan sama ada terima offer letter tu or  tetap dengan pendirian saya yang tak ada siapa boleh ubah kecuali Dia. Kalau saya kata A , A lah. 

Path

Hey what's up? 

I'm stuck. *speechless* for the first time in my life, I can't make the right decision. I always go with my gut. But right now? I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Which one should I choose? This is the most difficult thing I've ever made. 

Finance vs Economy. Masa first open day Uniten. I only have 3 choices. Account, finance or business. Idk how I end up taking that course. I just choose randomly. Masa tu sayapun tak tahu saya minat apa. Sebab dari kecil nak jadi doktor tapi tak dapat. Tu yang main ambil ja. So within that period, I learn more and more about this course. Sangat menarik bila dengar lecturer kata boleh jadi CFO, broker, kerja kat bank dan lain2 lagi. Masa tu excited gila nak jadi broker. Main2 dengan saham. Dapat pulak pergi Bursa Malaysia. Time tu memang semangat gila. Tetiba pulak tak boleh jadi broker sebab hal2 tertentu. Punah harapan. So tukar nak jadi CFO. Gila, sapa taknak jadi CFO. Gaji Rm15k ke atas. Tolong buat decision for company2. Besar tu tanggungjawab. Depends on co. , ada co. Tu CFO sama level dengan CEO, tapi kebanyakan co., CFO bawah dari CEO. Sejak tu, tu jela cita2 saya. 

Masuk je 2nd year, 2nd sem, minat saya terus berubah but not totally 100%. Around 60%. Time tu belajar Macroeconomics. Time tula saya dapat tahu pasal byk economist. Tapi time tu saya admire Prof Ungku Aziz, Tan Sri Dr. Zeti Aziz n George Soros. Haha. Tetibe terselit pulak George Soros. Tu dulu, sekarang tak dah. Sebab dah tahu siapa beliau. Masa tu doklah bukak youtube tengok Tan Sri Zeti Aziz. Time tu okay lagi. Masih waras. 

2nd year, 3rd sem.

Time ni, everything was changed, drastically. Masa belajar Malaysian Economy lah. Lecturer tu sangat mempengaruhi fikiran saya. Dah macam kena pukau pon ada. Start tula, from 60% terus jadi 100%! Can you imagine that? I became obsessed. Boleh dikatakan setiap hari ada subject tu. and tiap2 malam tak boleh tidur. Sebabkan lecturer tulah. Bukan dok teringat kat dia, tapi dok teringat apa yang dia cakap. Sepanjang hidup saya, saya tak pernah berfikir sampai macam tu sekali. Sangat mendalam sampai kan housemate sayapon saya suruh dorang berfikir sekali sampai ke pagilah kiteorang berbincang. Mencari solution yang terbaik. Kadang2 kalau dapat input dr Sir tu, balik tu terus citer kat dorang. Sir tulah yang buat saya terus jatuh cinta kat subject tu. Dulu masa SPM dok benci gila subject tu but end up suka. Start tula Tun M jadi mentor yg ke 3 saya. Start baca buku mengenai beliau. Byk lagi mentor2 economist saya, Joseph e. Stiglitz, Paul Krugman. Saya taknak jadi pakar ekonomi tapi saya nak jadi governor. Start tu saya dok canang2 kat cousin n semua yang saya kenal saya akan jadi next governor. Haha. Dorang tak percaya, ingat saya main2. I only have two , 1st governor and 2nd PM. haha. Yang PM tu saya tau takkan dapat tapi sekadar angan2. Ada sebab kenapa saya nak jadi governor. I always want to be influence by others. Because I know what happen today, and I'm so frustrated that I can't help. Hanya Tuhan je tau macam mana kecewa nya saya melihat apa yang berlaku sekarang. I know I can't change the world but at least I can change my country. Itu baru apa yang saya rasa. Saya tak boleh bayangkan apa Tun rasa. Beliau sangat2 kecewa. Bayangkan, penat2 jer kerja keras yg dilakukan utk naikkan nama negara tup2 ada orang senang2 nak hancurkan. Sakit rasanya. 

That's my story. So now, I'm confused. Saya selalu minta petunjuk. Kalau memang rezeki saya utk jadi macam sekarang, masukkan sy kat Uniten tu. but if rezeki saya nak jadi sepertimana yang saya nak halang sy utk masuk uniten dan bg peluang utk sy jadi apa yang sy nak jadi. I always say and last week betul2 buat saya terdiam selama setengah jam. Saya dok tunggu2 jawapan dr uniten tp yg saya dapat adalah mesej dari ukm for interview on this friday. And when I saw what course, Idk how I felt that day. Happy, sad, exciting,. Mixed feelings. Bachelor in Economy. Are you kidding me??!! Seriously!!!??? Pada masa tu, saya berfikir, adakah ini permulaan bagi ku untuk jadi sepertimana yang aku inginkan,? Saya tak sangka yang Dia betul2 dengar permintaan saya sbb I know I don't really deserved it. Sekarang ni saya tak tahu decision apa yg saya perlu buat. Anyone ? 

Ideal man

 

Omg!!! How can you possibly not fall to this blonde man?!!! I need one!!! Those eyelashes!! Young Jimmy always impressed me. 

Don't worry bobby!! I still love you more than jimmy.. Young bobby!! So adorable..  Can't wait for Captain America : Civil War!!! Which side you are?? Always Anthony Stark!!! 

Lizzington

Alright b4 I start talking something more serious let's talk about Raymond Reddington and Elizabeth Keen alias Masha Rostova. I keep watching over and over again to make a conclusion about their relationship. I always believe that Red is Liz's father. But I do trust Red. He never lied to her. Never. Even it's hard to say but he still tell the truth to her. But in season 1 episode 1 he said that he's criminal. Criminal is notorious liar. Everything about me is a lied. So how?   It's hard for me to believe that he's not her father. Okay. Let say they're not what we are thinking. Then why he's so caring about her? Since the night of the fire. Did he really fall for her mother? When lizzie ask that question to Red, he didn't answer it. Is it true? Her mother was KGB agent so do Berlin. And Berlin know about Red. So it's makes sense if berlin knows about kartina. What if Red was double agent? Why Red came to her house that night? About Sam. Red never mention that Sam have a criminal record. How this relates ?? Who gave lizzie to Sam? How about the scars on Red's back? My head hurt!! Whatever. Starting from today, I need to rest my mind to not thinking about TBL at this moment until the next season on this fall. Btw james spader really need an emmy or golden globe awards!!!! He's really an outstanding actor!! Goodbye Raymond Reddington! See you on this Sept. Gonna miss you. And hye2 Alan Shore!! See you tomorrow on The Practice!!! Omg!! I can't wait to see how he's doing. I miss his arguing and closing! 

Laughing alone

Hey !!! Gelak sorang2 macam orang gila. 

"Orang macam saya ni tak hidup lama dah, bila mati go to heaven. Ahhaa.. Or hell" 

Tetibe rindu Sir.. Tengah dengar balik record Sir.. Bila lagi dapat dengar input2 yang sangat berharga. Wait till I'm back to Uniten. Will see you soon Sir.. 

Conclusion for TBL S2 Part 1

Okay. Let's face it. I must say that the finale ep really made me cry. That scene when Harold Cooper told Liz that he's dying. Another scene when Liz told Red that she remember everything. I can see how devastated Red was. He hold his tears. When lizzie said "you're my sin eater" and red "tried to be...... But I failed". Omg!! That's so heartbreaking! 

Actually I hate Lizzie. I literally hate her so much! She think she can do whatever the damn thing she want to our reddy bear. Always get angry to him. But Tom? Yeah. I know you love him but the way you acted just annoyed me! *sighed* What he really care is his boat, boat and boat. Well whatever. The moment when you said to Tom Connolly to tell The Director not to touch Raymond Reddington, that moment really hit me. I'm not expected that it will come even b4 you got back your memory. The moment when Connolly said "treason and death penalty for reddington" and suddenly you raise your gun and pull the trigger to tom! Wow! You just kill attorney general of U.S.! That moment I decided to forgive you. Haha. You do care about him and do love him. I think more than you love Tom. That's what I thoughts. I mean, I know why you always get mad at him because you want to believe that he really care and love about you not because of some object (the fulcrum) but everytime you do he did something that's hurt you the most. That's why I think you really really love him. After you remember what happen the night of the fire. You realize how he become your sin eater. You choose him instead of Tom. Those pic told me everything. The moment when you lean on his shoulder, you completely trust him. I'm lizzington fandom but my reason wasn't really to see them as a couple but as a father-daughter. I still believe that Red is liz's father even though megan said they're not! I want to believe it but she's not the writer. The writer is JB. I don't really trust him. We don't know yet how season three will going. Still have a long journey to discover what's their relationship is. Will continue Part 2

Reddy bear

Reddy bear is really a bad boy making me crying like a baby!! I hate that feeling! I need Alan Shore right now to recover my feeling. I don't want this to end that way. The next season will be on September. In the meantime I need to heal myself by watching The Practice S8. To ease my mind. 

Age of Alan Shore

Let me introduce you, the best lawyer in this entire world, Alan Shore. But can't beat the legend, Denny Crane. Haha.  Never lose never will right Denny? Mad cow disease I guess. He become number one fav character of all the time. Whoever watch this show will say the same. End of the day, both of them will sit on the balcony, having a cigar and some scotch...talking about life, relationship and politics. They always arguing when it's come to politics. Like Alan said, this topic always get emotional. Idk why those cigar look so yummy. Haha. I really hate that thing but I guess I need to try once before I die. I never taste those cigar b4. Haha. Whatever! I remember what Denny said to Alan when he has a terrible day in court. "No matter how hard your day was, you always got to choose what's menu for your lunch".   Haha. It's really makes sense. Oh Alan. I'm so deeply fell for you. I must say thanks to Jimmy for that. You know what, I'm so excited to see The Avengers : Age of Ultron. 1st because of RDJ, and 2nd because of Ultron. I can't focus watching it because the Ultron really distracted me. Laughing while watching him when everyone just focus. They might think I'm crazy. Whenever I heard that voice, of course it's Jimmy's voice but what I heard was Alan's + Red's + Robert California voice. The way he spoke like Alan + Rob but the gesture like Red. I saw on Tumblr and how they had a crush on Ultron. Majority of them. Even Joss Whedon (the director) had crush on him. Haha. Ultron for me, he's so immature . He just born yesterday yet know everything what's going on in this terrible world. He sort of confused what exactly he want. I think he's so complicated.  Btw I love Alan Shore!! Sleep over tonight? Haha. Since The Blacklist finale is tomorrow. I must say, I'm so sad to see it's have to end. I desperately want to know what happen that night but seems all of it will reveal on the next season or maybe tomorrow night. What I'm going to do every friday night without that show? I already finish watching Boston Legal. I'm gonna miss this show. It's stuck in my head. All of those theories that I made. What really happen that night? Did liz the one who started the fire? Why red block liz's memory from remember on that night of the fire? What's the relationship between red and liz? Who's the one who put the fulcrum in liz's toy? How the director know about liz's mother? The cabal? Oh god!! There's so many questions which I can't get all of it. I hate this feeling. 

Love

People never stop talking about love. For me love is universal. Human, God, animal, or a thing. We do talking about love. A lot. Everyday. That's hurt when you love somebody but they don't love you. I don't usually fall for someone. But when I do, I'll love him for the rest of my life. Actually I always fall for someone but that love wasn't so real. Because the person that I fall for usually artists. That's in my fantasy world but in real life I still didn't fall for someone. I do like a few people which I really2 like him. But that love wasn't strong enough to make me step forward. I try to make a friend but end up I just walk away without saying goodbye . Haha. There's a lot of criteria that never satisfied myself. 1st and the most important thing for me is someone who didn't smoke! Oh God, it's really hard to find one in this country. I don't get it why they do that even for a woman who have child at home. I just can't accept the fact. That's why I don't think I'll get married. I ask wani why I don't feel this kind of feeling. And she saud maybe it's not the right time for you to fall in love. Hope so. Haha. She's so lucky to have special person who didn't smoke. So the question is when will I fall in love ? Ha. Cliche kan. One more thing that woman like us (yang blaja bab2 💸) love is 💸💸. Haha. That's the fact. 

No you can't!

If you expect me to change, 

No you can't,

No one can change me,

What I am, who I am and what I become,

If I want I will do it myself,

I don't need anyone to change who I am right now.

Trying to chill up

Thanks Alan for chill me up again. It's been a rough day for me. The question that never never ever have the answer. I must say you really make me laugh! Thanks once again. I'm gonna miss you when I'm finish watching all the series. Maybe I'll fall for Robert California after this. Haha. But don't worry. You will always come first. 

Dah kenapa?

Apa ni datang2 tetiba tanya pasal siapa menang permatang pauh semalam. Apa ingat saya ni ambil peduli ke? Adoi. Lawak betullah. Nampak sangat ke muka saya ni muka politic? Ala tak payah tau pon dah tau result kat situ sapa menang betol tak. Haha. Stop asking me about that matter. I'm trying to lay low. For God sake please don't. 

Best ship ever

Let me tell ya something about them. I don't actually consider that they're my bestfriend. We are just a friends. I don't have many friends to be truth. Even bestfriend, I don't have one. Because I'm a lone ranger. Haha. Maybe sometimes ago I have one, but now? I'm not really sure. Because I'm the one who break that friendship so easily. I'm done! But I'm not actually. It's already past, I don't have any strength to make it up. I guess I'm too weak. Too scared to get hurt again. So I played safe. 

Oh yeah. Let's forget it. Let's talk about these little fellas. They're a good person and a good friend who you can share your laugh. We met after 8 months after our graduation ceremony. You know, it's not easy to get four of us together again because we have many conflicts between each other. As usual wani and I were cool to bring her. But wini? Haha. You know. Finally she agreed. How? That's our secret. Haha. We really have a great great time. It's good to have someone who you can talk with in person. Even though we actually get tired but we still keep talking and talking and talking till 2am. Biasalah perempuan kan banyak gosip. Haha. I really hope we're going to stay as a friends till we get old. I really wish I can called you as a bestfriend but I can't. Because I'm not the one who can trust people so easily. It's really takes time to heal this pain. Till we meet again guys. May Allah bless you. 

Possessive

I think I'm possessive 

Possessive by him

What should I do know? 

It's doesn't feel right at all

I falling too deep

I can't even go back where I supposed to be

What should I do now?

Help me

I'm in trouble. I really do. I don't think people do understand my points. I'm not a good person neither a bad person but deep inside my heart. I think there's a beast inside me, it just didn't come out before. But I'm afraid it will. I don't say I will kill somebody. No ofcourse not. I'm still conscious. What I mean is I want something. Something that can make me alive. I'm not very satisfied with my life. The truth is I want to be someone who's powerful. I want to rule this world. Why? Because I don't think this world really works well. I mean not the term 'world'. People. I've seen terrible thing in this strange world. it doesn't matter my country or yours. Corrupt! I'm not saying everyone but most people does. Am I correct? Look around you people. What you see? Behind the scene? I want so badly become what I want. But I don't think it's possible. I am nobody. To become what I want, I really have to sacrifice many things. I admit it the path that I take really really challenging. I am a loner. That's the path that I choose to be. Not many people understand my decision. You know, sometimes you have to do what you think it's the best for you, for them. You just jump in and go for it without hesitation. Now I can't felt what I used to felt before. I don't even think I need a man. Maybe because I don't easily trust people. Becoming who I am right now really really terrifying. I even think I am. I'm not as happy as I am before. After he left me, I really have a terrible nightmare. I felt like I lost part of my life even more than half. I was like, "how the hell I'm gonna live after this? " . "What I am supposed to do now?". It's really burden me. You can't even fathom that because you're not me. I'm the only one who they trust. I'm the only one who make it through all this things without being a troublemaker! I'm the only one who they can rely on. After I heard about them, this one goes to prison, that one became a father without any bonding, and that one was divorced. This is so freaking me out. I lost my one and only person that I can rely on but now he's gone. So who's gonna take that responsiblity ? It's me. Taking care of my mother, father, grandmoms, my little brother with my own. So how can you fathom that? That's why I have to success no matter what happen. Even though I'm not happy, I have to for them. I'm so so so glad if I can have a friend, a good friend who can understand me, never question it what I'm doing. Accept you who you are even if you going to be good or bad person. Who can support me doing what I do. I don't have any of those friend. All my friends are just for a happy moment. Just for fun and yeah that's all. I would love to have a friendship like Alan and Denny. I wish I have one right now. 

Too much to handle

Hey guys, I'm back after kept silent for a moment. Too many thing to handle.

I have 3 ig's account, facebook, twitter, tumblr, Pinterest, kik, snapchat, skype, blogger and others. It drive me crazy. I even can't remember the email or the password. I should uninstall some apps.. Should I?