Help me

I'm in trouble. I really do. I don't think people do understand my points. I'm not a good person neither a bad person but deep inside my heart. I think there's a beast inside me, it just didn't come out before. But I'm afraid it will. I don't say I will kill somebody. No ofcourse not. I'm still conscious. What I mean is I want something. Something that can make me alive. I'm not very satisfied with my life. The truth is I want to be someone who's powerful. I want to rule this world. Why? Because I don't think this world really works well. I mean not the term 'world'. People. I've seen terrible thing in this strange world. it doesn't matter my country or yours. Corrupt! I'm not saying everyone but most people does. Am I correct? Look around you people. What you see? Behind the scene? I want so badly become what I want. But I don't think it's possible. I am nobody. To become what I want, I really have to sacrifice many things. I admit it the path that I take really really challenging. I am a loner. That's the path that I choose to be. Not many people understand my decision. You know, sometimes you have to do what you think it's the best for you, for them. You just jump in and go for it without hesitation. Now I can't felt what I used to felt before. I don't even think I need a man. Maybe because I don't easily trust people. Becoming who I am right now really really terrifying. I even think I am. I'm not as happy as I am before. After he left me, I really have a terrible nightmare. I felt like I lost part of my life even more than half. I was like, "how the hell I'm gonna live after this? " . "What I am supposed to do now?". It's really burden me. You can't even fathom that because you're not me. I'm the only one who they trust. I'm the only one who make it through all this things without being a troublemaker! I'm the only one who they can rely on. After I heard about them, this one goes to prison, that one became a father without any bonding, and that one was divorced. This is so freaking me out. I lost my one and only person that I can rely on but now he's gone. So who's gonna take that responsiblity ? It's me. Taking care of my mother, father, grandmoms, my little brother with my own. So how can you fathom that? That's why I have to success no matter what happen. Even though I'm not happy, I have to for them. I'm so so so glad if I can have a friend, a good friend who can understand me, never question it what I'm doing. Accept you who you are even if you going to be good or bad person. Who can support me doing what I do. I don't have any of those friend. All my friends are just for a happy moment. Just for fun and yeah that's all. I would love to have a friendship like Alan and Denny. I wish I have one right now.